Check out these (faux, tongue-firmly-in-cheek) fantasy books, coming soon to a bookstore near you!! Or maybe not. Perhaps they'll appear in another realm entirely, one full of magical, lightning-fast printing presses and wizardly editorial types with ink-stained fingertips. Whatever. I'm sure these are all destined to become instant classics.
Too funny!! Thanks, everyone!
"A story about a girl wizard who infiltrates a school for vampires, only to find out that only one student gets to graduate alive. It's a combination of Harry Potter, Twilight, and the Hunger Games! Plus, if there is any new huge success between now and this book's publication, I'll figure out a way to work that in too."
“Plucky youngsters create small golems out of belly button lint. They wear fuzzy sweaters all the time to generate enough lint, and develop powers of static electricity as a result. But their powers are tested when an army of bullying booger-golems attacks the school. Buffy meets Captain Underpants!”
"CSI meets Pretty Little Liars meets Disney when Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel and Cinderella go on a girls’ weekend and one of them is murdered. Luckily, our protagonist, a mind reading detective is also staying at the resort, and she must solve the crime, before she's next!"
"Mary Sue discovers she is the Chosen One and must attend the Chosen One Academy with five thousand other Chosen Ones. When she and she alone discovers that all the Chosen Ones must battle to the death to really become the actual super-chosen Chosen One, she meets her one true love and together they embark on a fascinating journey of the heart."
“A troupe of princesses are on their way to a ball when a portal opens beneath the carriages and drags the hapless damsels into a post-apocalyptic world where their Prince Charmings never had their Happy Endings and all the kingdoms fell under a corporate merger. Now the princesses have been sorted into districts run by KingdomCorp and find themselves the unlucky contestants in a beauty pageant to the death; the winner will have massive merchandising rights on all the products in the pink-colored toy aisles and the chance to choose her own Prince Charming on the reality TV show, 'Princess Bridal.' Who will win the ultimate challenge or will the princesses overthrow KingdomCorp to change their pasts and their world's future?”
“Sam Alex Price has always felt out of place in her high school, where everyone is conventionally attractive and mostly just downloads songs you hear all the time on the radio anyway. Sam Alex, on the other hand, has to suffer from an acutely cool musical sense (punk rock + Flamenco), while her radiant emerald eyes, fiery hair, and gorgeous birthmarks in the shape of Celtic dragon-rune tattoos for some reason make her the last girl anyone would ever take to the prom. And why does her nervous mother always insist on keeping a juniper branch (sprinkled with Holy Water) above the front door? All is explained when the most gorgeous dark-eyed dude shows up in pre-calc: Blade is a demon-angel-vampire hybrid, who just needs to assassinate Sam to get the equivalent, in demon-angel-vampire circles, of his GED. Sam's secret identity as a Nephilim-Seelie-warriorgirl-with-slight-phoenix-tendencies is betrayed when a swarm of demons kidnaps Sam's mother (see?! She was RIGHT to be nervous!), leaving a portal open to the magic library where Sam's mother's all-revealing diary has been mis-shelved all these years. Fortunately, Sam, due to her Flamenco training, turns out to have serious battle skills and to be very good with a dagger. Blade is impressed. The assassination is delayed. Kissing is involved.”
"An orphanage, overcrowded with kids destined by prophecy to perform heroic deeds, becomes the headquarters of a fierce resistance. The orphan's mission - to rid the world of fantasy novels that kill off parents and bind kids to futures full of scary things and near-death experiences. Will their dastardly plot to kill of all fantasy writers succeed, or are they doomed to fail, to live out their own preordained destinies? And just how do they plan to squelch all that uncomfortable inner angst and romance brewing under the surface? One orphan holds the key, but that orphan, Goober Tickletrunk, lowliest of them all and guardian of the keyring, won't reveal its location!"
"Kafka meets Celebrity Apprentice when young Sam's mother breaks it to him that his father was a cockroach. Threatened by nuclear extinction, humanity must learn survival skills from the roaches. Sam undertakes a perilous journey through the silverware drawer to find Trump, a wise old cockroach who runs a school for half-roaches and holds the key to his species' longevity. Hair gel becomes a factor. And antennae. Also (apologies to Anne) kissing."
If you have a faux fantasy pitch, please feel free to share it in the comments section. :-)
Lena Goldfinch is the author of The Language of Souls, a short-but-sweet tale that will "appeal to teens who enjoy fantasy with a side of sigh-worthy romance". She lives in New England with her husband (born on April Fool's Day--happy birthday, hon!!), two teens, and a very spoiled black lab. You can visit her online at www.lenagoldfinch.com.